Behavioural Self Control - Behavioural Engagement

First there has to be a commitment that the relationship is valuable and that you’ll do what it takes to change your behaviour (since that’s what’s within your own control). The following approaches are recommended:

1. Monitor your negative thought process and mental stories. Are you listening for the positive or the negative? Calm yourself. Take a break if needed. Come back with a emotional or thought request: I will react or control my emotions or thoughts – when you react like this, I feel respond with this?

2. Monitor your fight or flight activity. Are you shutting down, withdrawing, stonewalling or attacking? Harsh criticisms and character assassinations are unacceptable. Learn to voice your complaint with a request or describe the behavior that you see, as neutrally as possible – as if you were a camera.

3. Use active listening. Reflect back what you’ve heard, and as you get good at this also reflect the feelings of the other. Check for clarity.

4. Pair active listening with inquiry, inquiry that truly demonstrates your empathy - your desire to understand the other person. Ask lots of questions. Be curious.

5. Get some coaching, and/or gain another’s perspective. What are other interpretations of this event from those with different perspectives than yours? You are free to choose the most positive interpretation and act as if we as human beings have good hearts and positive intent. We are also unique, with unique perspectives, therefore we see the world and respond to it each in our own way. We have differences. Can you honor positive intent and differences at the same time?

Repeat these approaches regularly to further be in tune with your Behavioural Self Control

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